How to really engage with someone… guess what, it’s hard work!

With a house of teenagers (17, 14, and 12 – but acts like he is one), my wife and I often find ourselves struggling with ways to really engage with the kids in meaningful ways. Whether it’s competing for time (sports, friends, sleep), fighting for eye contact vs. screen contact, or dealing with the dreaded, one-to-two-word answers, it’s challenging to engage with these humans that we have raised in what we believe is the best way possible. Although I try not to take work home with me (and I do a pretty good job of that – maybe a future blog post), there are a few things that I have learned at the office that have supported this engagement mission at home. There is a lot that I have learned from interacting with my children that I have brought into work to complete this learning loop.

• Ask better questions – A wise man and former colleague of mine experience shared (see next bullet) a gem several years back. Instead of asking your kids, “how was school today,” because that will result in a “OK” or “fine” or “good,” ask them, “who did you sit with at lunch today?” This minor tweak in my asking about their day often resulted in a much more detailed response beyond who they shared a table with at lunch. The open-ended approach by leveraging “tell me about,” “why did you take this approach,” and/or “how can we do better” allows your teammates and clients alike to take the stage and provide more details that will allow you to really listen (see bullet 3) and learn before responding. Also, a no-brainer when it comes to surveys and market research…
• Experience share vs offering advice – I have been meeting with a group of like-minded professionals for the past 5+ years. We connect monthly over lunch and talk about our professional and personal lives. While in very different industries, we find that we can support one another in meaningful ways. There’s only one rule in this fight club… no advice given, only experience sharing. This very basic and important rule allows us to speak from experience vs trying to guide someone down a path we haven’t traveled. This has been a game changer at home and with clients & colleagues. My kids have been very clear with me that they aren’t looking for advice; however, when I’m able to share with them that I was in a similar situation and this is how I navigated, it tends to resonate. With clients, if we can tell them that we have dealt with this type of opportunity or challenge in the past, they tend to want to learn more about what worked and what didn’t in previous situations. Experience sharing empowers the listener to do what they want with the new information. This tends to land better than telling someone what you think they should do.
• Shut up and listen – I’ll be honest. I am way out of my league these days when it comes to middle school and high school challenges. I feel like I had it much easier back in the day. However, although I don’t understand all the new terminology or have a good grasp on the new way math is being taught, I’ve found that if I shut up and listen (really listen) that connections are built. I may not have the answer or an experience to share, but the focus on them (with a few open-ended questions thrown in there) shows them that I care and am here for them. Not sure if I must make a correlation to work here but the same holds true for those that you spend most of your waking day with. Show you care (one of our core values here at Relevate Health), and relationships are built to create an environment for amazing things to be accomplished.
• Make good use of 1:1 time – I used to complain (and still do a bit) about all the time that my wife and I would spend driving the kids to all of their activities. That is until I realized that this 20-minute drive was an amazing opportunity for me to put bullets 1-3 into action. Besides paying attention to the road, I was laser-focused on one kid. There were/are great times for a temperature check – to hear what is going on with them, in their world. I quickly went from dreading the drive time after working hours to truly embracing them as yet another opportunity to connect. Finding this time with clients and colleagues is just as important. One is to find out what’s going on with them outside of work. And two, to check that relationship temperature. Here at Relevate Health, we survey client satisfaction on theregular, but these scheduled or impromptu 1:1s with clients allow for a natural flow of two-way feedback to improve the relationship and, ultimately, the work we create together.

Engagement, whether it be with HCPs, patients, clients, colleagues, or yes, your kids, requires work on our part. Like trust, engagement is not just given to you. Only once you have proven that you are engage-worthy, relevant, and value-adding will others decide to engage with their words, their time, and their attention. Just do me a favor and don’t ask my kids about what it’s like to talk